Friday, June 27, 2014

my cat

my cat slept in my arms last night.
he buried his head under my chin
or stared at me lit by the light
the moon through the window shone on him,

his smooth black coat under my hands
petting him as we said goodbye
in a language we both understand,
while i did my best not to cry. 

not now, not yet, i told myself,
there will be weeks ahead for that,
but even so i could not help
but to weep and hold my dying cat.


thank Yi.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

my cat

my cat is leaving. it won't be long.

it's going to be brutal. i'm afraid.

my cat's passing will be the blow that busts the levee.

i will cry, finally.

about my cat and dave and kristie and my grandmother and tisha and whatever else the flood pulls in as it scrapes away another layer of bullshit.  

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

dolphins, not sharks, again



saw the fin break the surface, felt the fear, then relief when full breach indicated dolphin.

and many of them.

i was near a jetty in warm, clear, turquoise-tropical water, calm.

i dove in and bumped into a dolphin, then swam underwater awhile

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


rummaging around in some sort of investigation, i dig out a bomb, like one that would fall from a bomber. it's white with red trim and i am holding it in my hand - it's a little smaller than a football - and it's tic-tic-ticking.

i consider throwing it out the window but it's closed. (opening it doesn't occur to me.)

someone else is in the room - a man, older, maybe a co-invcstigator-type - and the dream ends with me attempting to get his attention.

i am not particularly alarmed, not even sure what sort of device i have dug out with my hands, that is about to explode.


it did occur to me yesterday that danny (the cabin) is a time bomb. and knows it. btw.

maybe i'm about to blow up.

white. red trim.

Thursday, June 19, 2014


i told her it's cold where we're going.
she nodded and looked at the moon,
her hair alive in the breeze blowing
the last breath of the monsoon

that had stranded us at sea on a rock,
a block of stone miles from shore,
where once was a town with a tower clock
but nothing but time is there anymore.

it's a very long story when told right,
there's bleeding and crying and death.
there's love's arc from spark to blight,
extinguished light and final breath.

there are earthquakes and fires and blizzards,
capsized vessels and trains off tracks,
witches wicked and whispering wizards;
there's retreating preceeding counter-attacks.

there are too many things to fully remember,
some too heavy to carry forward,
some still burning, turning heart to ember,
and blood on the blade of many a sword.

if we'd met before, we couldn't recall,
though how could we have not, so quick the connection.
but to look back was also to fall,
so we avoided too much recollection

and sat on the rock and stared at the stars
and away from the sun when it hung in the sky,
and splashed seawater into our scars
and let the days and nights go by

and worked on the raft and ate the fish
the waves served up occassionally,
as if the granting of a wish,
a flopping dish served by the sea.

i told her the raft would be ready
in time for the tide we would ride on the morrow.
driftwood and seaweed and hopefully steady,
lest we sink to the bottomless pile of sorrow.

i said there's no way of knowing,
we'll need luck with the current and more with the weather.
she said i don't need to know where we're going,
i just need to know we're rowing together.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Tuesday, June 17, 2014


like "Lewiston," a place. (and, like lewiston, more 33.) 

and turns out lewis and clark were there, too.

i went online thinking i'd meet a new word, not another location.

maybe not the best place to be when the plates shift.
but a cool airport: 

thank Yi.

Monday, June 16, 2014

dream: clippers fan?

i saw her driving. she did not see me. i stayed concealed.

she had a sign pressed up against the passenger side windshield, handwritten back sharpie on white posterboard - black and white? spelled out? - expressing her clippers allegiance. (front-runner?) (contrarian?) (theme "team"?)  

Hilary Barrett:
thank Yi.

more Malik Bendjelloul



and so it was "interesting" to come upon the DVD yesterday, while cleaning. had forgotten i had it; at any rate, good timing.

i'll watch the film tonight. last night i was more curious to watch the "making of the movie" segment; i wanted to get a sense of mr. bendjelloul.

briefly, it was quite moving, even inspirational.

irony, too, given the references to the heart in the reading (link) and how fervently he spoke of working from the heart, maintaining one's integrity, trusting in and pursuing one's vision.

i like rodriguez's music and am sure i will enjoy the film.

the timing is impeccable.

thank Yi.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Dear Dad

Thanks so much for everything.

Happy Father's Day.

Friday, June 13, 2014

found fortune 8

in the cookie in the wrapper, sidewalk, flower near 5th.

dream: leaving the homies

they were all grouped up and i was saying goodbye, making sure to handshake and hug everyone.

i was leaving, not sure where to; but gone baby gone.

thank Yi.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

dream: kmcp and my left foot

someone left, i sat down where he'd been, next to her.

i presented my left foot. but not a massage; rather, holding it - sort of, hands that far from skin - to heal.

"you should come in on the 24th," something about leaving for san francisco that day, and fireballs being served.  

thank Yi. 
re "24": 

card 24, random draw  

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

dreams: supervisor company; black s.o.

"supervisor" with me on my mattress, on the phone. i'm self-conscious about the cat smell but supervisor doesn't seem to mind and i wonder if it's even noticed.

io suspect it's a dream about guidance being ever-present and round-the-clock, communicating.


i don't know, maybe she is my wife, or ex; at any rate, she was letting me know how upset she was that i'd kept her "hidden away for thirty years."

her face changed as i listened. in the beginning her skin was very dark and her features somewhat creole. or seminole?  or gullah? but as she spoke her features and coloring changed, the color becoming lighter and the features somewhat west indies/caribbean (with maybe a dash of frida kahlo?). 

at any rate, beautiful, exotic.

but she was angry and hurt and i had no idea what she was talking about. i knew in my heart it simply wasn't true and wondered how she had arrived at her conclusion. 

i insisted we had to talk about it, and that's where the dream ended.


thank Yi.

Monday, June 9, 2014



to fullerton saturday to see rex and watch the belmont at the heroes by the depot. then playing catch at amerige park.  

to claremont yesterday to see shawn and watch maleficent at the laemmle. then  lunch at espiau's. henceforth through the summer i will be training somewhere on sundays.

and found a deadline by which i can have both ready.

Friday, June 6, 2014

dream: charles/turlough

discussing his state/fate with the queen of ireland. 

all i know for sure is kent @ aggasiz.

and this:

the draw:
thank Yi.

dream: a talk

basically, finally getting things said.

also mutual was moving, albeit in (seemingly) different directions.

we also shared a particularl activity: cleaning out our respective closets.

i was, in essence, speaking of the specifics of my failure, owning up to things shirked. i made my feelings known.

she seemed conflicted.

i noticed carl seated behind us, and a little above, "over the shoulder," trying to hide (or be hidden) behind something that only partly obscured him; his face, specifically. (so, carl-like, perhaps?) at any rate, listening in.

i told her he had to go.

he didn't want to but did. i watched him leave the room.    

we both had moving to get on with, and there was a sense of needing to get it done by a particular time, and i still had a lot in my closet.

she listened, said a few things, and closed by saying we would both be dead someday...

and that's where the dream ended, with me wondering where she was going to take that thought, because she had a specific direction in mind. 

thank Yi.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

more (more) idaho


"Lewiston"  in my ear.

i have asked; 33 - retreat - is prevalent.

and then last night, sitting and pondering this whole idaho thing,  seeing "stanley" (as in the cup) (and idaho) scroll by (espn) just as i am considering the town; the visual/aural synchronicity thing, again.

suddenly idaho is on my mind.

thank Yi. 
and reminded of the CPW (recent retiree) dream, like a (going away?) party,smiles all around. that's one thing and pretty loud, added to just now remembering her sun valley (idaho!) history and allegiance.  it's obvious what would have to happen. 


Tuesday, June 3, 2014