Saturday, January 25, 2014

dream: director of administration

walking the hall, turning when my name is called (twice).

a hand extended through a doorway, very much a tarot ace wands (or cups) image. (unexpected, out of thin air, unseen, but good news or at least opportunity. "here, this is yours.")

this hand holds two cups, sort of - they're pint glasses - with beer, one redder than the other.

the imagery - back to cups - is too sledgehammer to miss. 

and the doorway (to walk through)? 

later contemplation of this - likely some reason to exhibit dissimilarity - got me to consider, when i got back to the cabin, that the redder beer might have blood in it.

enter the office and it's dir admin. (a female executive.) she seems pretty happy - nice brand new offices - but i'm a little anxious to get to the point.

she's seen my my blog and youtube page and that starts the conversation and ends the dream.

and, perhaps, starts it.

it becomes fairly obvious, the theme in all these sorts of dreams, the woman in them. different but in essence the same. and, in the biltmore dream, "julie taymor something."

reminded now - speaking of twos - the jofo drm, saying "it worked," twice.

and the two golden keys (one larger than the other) in the awhile-ago dream where i find them in the soil of the planters for two palm trees, then run off happier than i've ever felt, to the point where i sing out loud. 

Found Object and Boots

walking in to work on Boots i found in the gutter on the starbucks side of 9th and flower, directly across the street from here,  the thin cardboard BLACK BOOT that once had girls leg warmers wrapped around it.

it has joined the found object club at my desk.

there's one scene to finalize and it's really not a matter of where the walls are as much as the color of the paint. chloe is in her upstairs bedroom - it's the last scene before the "epilogue" with carson and doc - and writing an email to wanda, which we discover when chloe's mom, carole, comes up the stairs and into chloe's room.

a view of bishop peak out the open window. sunny skies. distant calls of gulls. one can almost hear the surf at pismo.

the scene is mostly brief and serves mainly to catch up some of what has happened - more on wanda and virginia (maybe an upcoming visit to texas) - as well as showing us that chloe has inherited the truck.

it is texture, a necessary splash of color and light that leads the eye and mind to continuity, things rebirthed from death. in essence, a change of season, and so san luis obispo the period at the sentence comprised of new mexico and parenthetical texas.

chloe's going surfing - the board's in the truck - and carole will watch from upstairs as chloe drives away and out of view, the engine sound fading away.

then chloe at an intersection with a friend, near the ocean. pulling a tape from the glove compartment, punching it in. the song. 

it's there and done but for the being a little stuck in describing chloe's room to my satisfaction.

feng shui (clear the clutter) my desk, type fade in and, finally, the last false summit lending a view of the top, a mundane and almost level hike away, the only degree of steepness made of the tedium of typing into format, dotting i's and crossing t's.  

(i find myself already jumping ahead a little, finalzing notes on The Cabin, the only real discovery remaining there having to do with the painting, again, of the hunting scene.)  

it flipped a big switch, candy employing "painterly" that day; it helped in the necessary redirecting of sensibility, the helpful tweaking of aesthetic; and, so, that's what it's come to, the final brushstrokes, painting chloe's room.

it'll come fine and in a rush when i turn up the "play" track and lower the volume on the "work" a little. a stone at dublin's will assist in that regard.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Mom in SD, etc.

trained down sunday evening, usual place. we had a nice walk yesterday to and around liberty station, which i'd seen from my previous walk up rosecrans. finally found the trader joe's and the fingerlike san diego bay.

it was good - as well as a gorgeous day - and good for us to do. (and she needed the exercise.)  

before that, i pretty much got boots, from ruidoso to tom's demise, set, as in done, as in finally. feels good. pretty much all that's left is the stuff at la vernia. that pinhole light at the end of the tunnel is now about the size of a doorknob; further expansion will be exponential.

it was actually a little exciting, like, sort of, seeing the head of the baby after the long pregnancy.  

i even managed to make a little headway on the cabin.

ended with an "it's been real" stop at dublin's off the train. 

speaking of trains, san diego and dublin's, i thought i might've seen kkk on a bike sunday morning, across from the pantry.

and day one this morning, an hour on the bike. granny gear but it's a start, as in finally. 

it's telling when exercise removes the fatigue.

something happened over the past few days, which is to say over the past few years but, in some palpable form, manifesting in a particular way - a feel, for lack of a better word - that i would describe as powerful and decisive, now, "all of a sudden." 

blades of grass through the asphalt. 

like a transit. or something.  (checked the moon; a sweep through 12.) 

at any rate, a corner turned 

i feel ready somehow. even close. odd.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Los Al with Rex

took the 460 bus to disneyland yesterday, to meet rex for the katella bus to los alamitos.

the convenience of the 460, which i'd never taken, is that i can pick it up right across the street, and it drops me off one street up on the way back. the inconvenience is that, despite its use of the 110 and a brief stretch of the 105, it is an interminable ride. 

i had not checked the route map. the 105 drops you into northwest orange county, at which point mr. toad's wild ride begins its course through norwalk and la mirada and buena park and neighboring communities you will not see on "the o.c.," if they are referenced at all.

i grew up in and left orange county well before it was ever called "the o.c."

but i have never spent time at all in this part of the county unless passing through on the freeway. my travels in that direction, from costa mesa, tended to stop at beach boulevard in garden grove. for no particular reason other than nothing beyond that ever beckoned. 

and so it was a kind of field trip, adding to the general flashback aspect of being in orange county at all; and getting there by bus and then using the octa to get to los al made for a rich mix of memory soup. 

my first girlfriend worked at disneyland. the last time i was there was when employees and their dates could get into the park at midnight. it's been awhile.

the area around the "resort" has changed considerably. i'd still rather be someplace else. but it does offer a glimpse of a particular cross-section of "travelers.'

trivia. i was born in orange county. florida. orlando. more disney.

i met rex at the stop and we went to los al for the otb for the santa anita card. the horse track offers its own glimpse of a particular cross-section.

one must search for overlap.

i bet a few, didn't win. rex bet all but two of the eight races we stayed for, didn't win. but we had a good day and hanging out and catching up a little more was the main thing. we'll do it again, but next time i'll take the metrolink to anaheim stadium and 50 it from there. i'll never take the 460 again.

on the way back the transient chinese woman so taken with me whenever she sees me, saw me, and came to where i was in the back of the bus. she's sweet and safer than jello but a cylinder is sputtering. she wondered if i was from the midwest. i told her no but that i've heard that before more than a few times. she said i looked like indiana.

she asked my name and i told her. i asked hers. she's millie. i asked where she was from. indiana. i wonder if she'll be from indiana the next time i see her and ask her. 

when she talks to me her eyes survey my face, like looking for a place to land.

i said goodbye when i got off one stop earlier than i'd intended and she waved and said goodbye, a little sad.

then to dublin's for the end of the pats-colts game.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Yi 1: Lust 1

still from Lust, Caution.


she kept talking, and talking, and talking.

her voice became noise, the whine of a mosquito, and it was getting to me. she'd made her point five minutes previously but kept on going, and going, and i found myself considering actually interrupting her, to tell her, yes, yes, yes, i got it, awhile back, pleeeease stop.

at first i was agitated, then annoyed, then angry, then it actually began to hurt. my brain began to bubble. i crumpled pieces of paper as if strangling chickens. a robot would've noticed.

but not her.

i imagined putting my hand over her mouth, clearly not the best solution. maybe shooting her a look - i can damn well do that - that made it clear that it was time to wrap it up. or else. and i did but she was oblivious and that's when i knew: no.

i looked away, then up at the bank of televisions, sending clues like bombs landing all around her but she, clueless beyond comprehension, would not cease the yammering, the drone of consonants and vowels seemingly drunk and tumbling from her lips from some bottomless well of talk, talk, talk, about absolutely nothing that hadn't already been said and said again.

and it was all so self-serving, her attempt to express a particular trait she thought i thought she lacked. she was presenting evidence. a judge would have cut her off and sent her back to sit next to the criminal she was defending.

it was, in essence, a filibuster.

but i cared less about her intent than the fact that she wouldn't finally shut up. just...shut...up. finally, she did. see? i too am blah blah blah blah blah.

i breathed a sigh and nodded and excused myself to use the bathroom and there i stayed awhile to decompress. i've never come so close to actually interrupting someone and asking that they please, please just be quiet. i'll pay you.

but, at least, discovery.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

found fortune 3

on the sidewalk, coming in this morning.

mundane but right to the core. not only am i in the worst condition of my life, my attitude frkn sucks; this is the fix. (besides the fact that a certain marathon will be here in four months.) more on this next week.


Wednesday, January 8, 2014

The Polar Bear Dream

this was a few years ago, the start of this quite particular stage.

simply, i was underwater - and under ice - and saw the polar bear see me and swim toward me. i was not afraid; i thought the polar bear was beautiful.

and it swam up to me and we sorta played a little, as if it were my pet. the bear was affectionate.

i woke and knew the dream was substantial and soon enough it became clear what was being communicated; namely, that i was in and likely would be in a challenging (but surviveable) psychic/emotional environment and that the dream was a heads-up regarding the terrain/dynamics ahead. kind of a "you are here" sign.

anyway, i write this because there was a silent auction in the office today and one item was a five-inch tall porcelain polar bear, made in russia, that reminded me of the dream and the ally who who appeared to me when i needed him.

i have it at my desk; he will have a good home the rest of my life and serve as a reminder of  particular chapter of the lifebook . (along with a joke i tried to tell once, but that's a different story.)



found fortune 2

early afternoon yesterday, in the office on the floor.

wish i'd begun found fortunes a long time ago.

Dream: Queen of Ireland

at her house, though nothing of the decor stands out; i was the visitor.

she was pleased to see me (a mutual sentiment), and, as in the Van Doh! dream, i touched her hand and arm lightly, tentatively, and this time she reciprocated. much language in the light and brief contact. 

her face had filled out slightly, still beautiful and emanating light. 

we spoke - what have you been up to? - and she recalled a "three-hour" conversation we'd had once. i confessed i didn't remember. (we never had anything remotely of the sort.)

i noticed her notice my claddagh.

she wore reddish pants and a top that revealed some waist and well developed abdominal muscles. (and she has absolutely stomached more in her life than most, to say the least.) the pants also showed off her physical fitness; she was toned and strong, athletic. at one point she turned her back to me - was she at a kitchen sink? - and it seemed like a non-accident; it was her intent to advertise a little, maybe. (not to mention the red and the show-a-little blouse.) 

at one point she mentioned a bike ride she'd taken to see her father. (i wondered, in prison? pretty sure he died in '91.)

a boy i took to be her son came out and sat next to her, on her left. he was about 12 or so and with brown hair, not at all resembling Sh (who'd be, what, 30-something now.)

she spoke with a slight gaelic lilt.

at one point a man came out, not identified, but he was with her in some form or fashion. he sat next to me and began to talk but it was mostly senseless stuff, almost gibberish. he didn't look healthy at all, either, with dark under his eyes. drugs came to mind.

(and/or, getting to his biblical spinning, just not knowing what the hell he was spewing.) 

he did, though, resemble the picture i've seen of the king.

as well as the man in the dream from a few years ago who'd crashed on his bike after a downhill run. and i'm sure now that the woman in the dream, who insisted i "wait," was the queen. i suspected that then but there was just enough vagueness to keep away certainty. 

at any rate, a glimpse into a dynamic.

at some point during his rambling the queen came to retrieve him and took him away; kind of a walking him back to his room vibe.

'twas at that point i noticed a woman who somewhat resembled the queen observing me. my suspicion is that was the queen's sister, U. 



Friday, January 3, 2014

Floor 1

thank Yi.